I don't really know what's missing except to put in another vote for some data windows. However, this seems more like a brochure of the local sights than a map. The type of data presented seems more in line with a vacation presentation than an actual tactical map which the context of the piece seems to indicate that it is. There's nothing wrong with that, but you seem to be mixing your signals.
The piece seems to be saying "here is a visual presentation of the local stars and the planets of interest around them but don't expect it to be an accurate presentation of real positions," but the context of the map is "here is a tactical presentation of a fleet and its intentions." The two just don't seem to mix well.